"I hope when you spoke to the captain, you didn't try to lie like that. You're terrible at it."
Daggers launched from Nathan’s eyes as his middle finger extended from his free hand, yet there was a smirk, and his voice was playful,
“Dick,” a slight chuckle came out, and Ramius took another sip, squinting as he did.
As Benjamin continued, it became more obvious just how quickly hub-bub managed to get around the ship. Pentaghast doubtfully would have said something, but the Bridge was full of people on the morning rotation. It was also rumored that Tactical took to gossip like flies to… honey… at the Academy, and he wondered if there was truth to the euphemism.
"I know right now, you're frustrated and likely a little angry”
So many understatements in my life lately…
“Just the way you've been beating yourself up with the workout routines tells me that, and yes, I can tell. All the deodorizers in the world won't quite cover up that sweat-and-vomit smell, though you've done a good job with trying…”
That revelation caused a cascade of emotions in Nathan from surprise, to shock, to horror, to guilty, then to ashamed: all in the span of a couple of seconds. In fact, he was mortified that not only did Elias know, but that he could tell from…
Ugh, the scent. Gross Nathan. Grooooooossss. Alright, time to change the hardcore workout venue…
Adding more to his sermon, Ramius could hear the truth in the words that Ben spoke about beating himself up; adding extra punishment on top of his ‘sentence’ as it were. But as much as he heard them, they didn’t exactly settle. Even if they had, it was doubtful that he could just change how he felt about things. Though, that is exactly what Elias was getting at. Changing the scenario so that he didn’t have to feel the way he did. That, and probably because he wanted to stop coming home to acidic humidity. A shiver of gross crawled up Nathan’s spine.
"How about this. Let me help you with whatever's on your mind, and I'll tell you just why I run this thing. I assure you, it's only for personal use, too; I'm not here to start selling moonshine and compromise our officers. It's just for me. Sound like a deal?"
“You mean, the still and its contents are for you and me now. I'm complicit, remember?" a chortle escaped him.
"Sure, I mean, you can try I suppose… even though nothing is really wrong,” this time the lie was filled with sarcasm. Taking a deep breath in, then releasing, Nathan cracked his neck. Then, another sip from the River Styx was in order, and the fire burned just as hot as the first time.
“I hope you are ready for this, because this is some heavy s***. I don’t usually like to bother people with my problems, because, well they are my problems and I caused them. But, my actions are affecting you too… I mean, I’ll remedy that now that I know that you know. Though, you should have said something earlier cause even I find it gross to think about. Really, I just shouldn’t do it but…”
Ramius moved from the edge of his rack and moved to the wall as well, pulling his body in tight. Another deep breath signalled just how hard it was for him to get whatever was inside him, out and off his chest. It wasn’t a simple matter, even though he had the ability to spill his guts. That was proven by his amazing ability to tell the honest truth to the Captain, and not sugar-coating things. Hell, he probably should have left some bits out along with not back-talking… something else for him to work on he supposed.
Yet another lungful of air passed through his nostrils before he began to speak.
“I f****ed up Ben. There is no better way of putting it. I got people hurt,” his face turned down with his eyes, and looked deep into the glass in his hand.
“That’s one of the biggest parts of everything because it isn’t something I can correct. I mean, temporal wormholes or whatever aside, I won’t ever be able to take those moments back. And I would too. In fact, I’d Groundhog Day that whole first day of the mission. Wait, not Groundhog Day because I’d have to relive it over and over again. I’m already doing that,” he sighed.
“I guess… I’ve never really had to face regret before. It was always simple choices that lead me to becoming the person that I am today. For good or bad, I always managed to see a silver lining, or a lesson to be learned. Now, there are a metric f*** ton of lessons for me to learn from that day, but I can’t see a bright side to any of them.
Not only that… but I’m questioning if I should even be here at all. I literally failed the hardest anyone has ever failed in the history of the Gettysburg probably, in the fastest time possible… maybe even in the entirety of Star Fleet’s history. It was like I wanted to speedrun in the ‘quickest-to-****-up competition’. Congrats to me though, I got my trophy. All of it has me wondering if my parents were right. Well, they never outright questioned my decision to go to Star Fleet, but they didn’t support it either. Maybe they knew it wouldn’t be for me.
I’d like to think that I have something to offer. That I can be better than that first day. I know I can, but what happened has me questioning things. Little things. Big things. Just about everything I do, I wonder if what I am doing could hurt someone. And now every time I look Maddix in the face, I can’t help but feel this rage building up inside of me… I wish the Captain would have just flogged me. No, flayed me. Or just plain spaced me. I’m serious. At least then it’d be done and over with. But now, I see the Captain, and Maddix… I just want to hurt... I want to put my head through a wall. It isn’t rational but the thought is there. If I could take on their pain that I caused them, I’d take it all on myself, because I deserve it…”
It was the last few words that got caught up in his throat, and inside he cursed himself for getting upset about it all over again. The more he thought on the subject, the more twisted him and made him feel weak, which is why he generally avoided it unless he had to confront it.
A fresh swig from the glass passed by his lips, while he roughly dried them off with his arm.
Edited by Mid Nathan Ramius, Star Date 21902.05 @ 07:59 (07:59 AM).