06-12-2024, 05:14 PM
Tyra nodded as Damian spoke, understanding what he was looking for. If you weren't careful, command could be suffocating and worse, it could eat away at you. It was hard to hold two distinct personas without losing one of them and even harder when one was your public face. It was why she often struggled without her family aboard Artemis, knowing that she had to be careful not to let that command persona takeover entirely. She could never begrudge Damian for trying to find a touchstone and he was right, she wouldn't have approved it if she didn't think he could juggle it.
She laughed at his teasing, though she suspected he would have been shocked at the difference between a newly minted Midshipman Crawford and the person sitting before him. She knew Dayune often commented on the difference when they would talk about the old days and she honestly forgot what it was like to be that girl.
"And you absolutely don’t have to answer this if you don’t wanna. But the thing that happened between you and that First Officer… what happened? Is there something I should know that would help me? Someway I can protect Ju from something similar? Or is it just straight up ‘don’t do it’?”
She didn't miss his last admission but she also didn't react to it, instead choosing to pour herself some more. After pouring herself some more, the redhead leaned back on the couch, her leg crossing over the other as her drink balanced on her knee. Her expression had softened to something almost wistful.
"Rex..." she chuckled slightly. "He's not a ghost I talk about often."
No, she couldn't say Rexar Idrani occupied her thoughts very often these days but she also couldn't deny his important part in the pavers of her life. He had quite literally paved the way for a lot of what she had in her personal life, whether he knew it or not.
"Rex was --is-- a good man. He wasn't looking for another notch on his bedpost; he wanted someone to see him as more than just a uniform and someone to solve their problems. And I wanted to be loved and was naive enough to think none of it really mattered."
"As soon as it becomes public knowledge though, it colors everything involving you two. The superior officer will never be viewed as impartial or evenhanded when it comes to the junior and the junior will always be viewed as being given everything they get, even when they've earned it fair and square. I became Chief of Security while with Rex and it probably took a year before people outside the department believed I'd actually earned it and wasn't just given it."
It was very likely that was something that had clawed at a much younger Tyra Crawford but now, it was met with a little shrug and a wry smile.
"There was no explosive end to us; circumstances pulled us apart but we were likely destined for that. I didn't know it then but I was standing on the precipice of war, a war that would fundamentally change me in every way. I don't even think a reflection of that girl still exists. I don't think he could have watched that and I think I would have resented him trying to protect me," she said, her expression still soft but now tinged with traces of sadness. Whether for herself or what might have been was anyone's guess.
She took a sip of her bourbon, considering the amber liquid as if it was part of the story. She supposed it would have been if things had lasted longer; her drinking hadn't started until she'd gotten thrown in well over her head.
"But even then, I just can't tell you not to do it. Rex wasn't it for me but he paved the way for Thomas. I had known my husband for a month when he became my commanding officer and we were at the same stage it seems y'all are at. If I hadn't known what I was getting into, I don't think I would have taken the plunge and I would have missed out on everything with him," she explained, her smile becoming warmer as she spoke.
She took another sip of bourbon, savoring the burn in hopes it might push back that tug of longing she felt. There wasn't much she wouldn't have traded at that moment for Thomas. He had this way of just knowing how to put her back together after a crisis, knowing what pieces fit where and what she needed to feel human again.
"Even knowing what I was getting into, it wasn't without challenges. I made FO and CO with him in my chain of command so there was a belief he gave them to me. I toed the line hard on some things, knowing he wouldn't truly come down on me. In turn, he tried to send me places I couldn't cause trouble and then, when that didn't work, he sent me on the worst mission in an attempt to counter the favoritism accusations," she explained further before shrugging.
That was all water under the bridge now with Thomas retired but for years, most of their marriage, they had been in the same chain of command. Sometimes, he'd been her direct superior and sometimes, they'd had a buffer but they'd made it work with enough tough skin and communication.
She looked up at him, watching him for a moment before continuing. "I'd be a hypocrite to say don't do it but don't go into it blind. Know what it'll do to your reputation and hers. Know that if this is just a fun little fling, it might not be worth the damage done but if it isn't a fling, well maybe it is worth it."
"The biggest piece of advice I can give is that you can't protect her from this. You can try but you'll just make it worse. She'll either grow thick skin and learn to let the comments roll off or she won't. And you'll either learn to live with the perception or you won't. We can try to mitigate it by taking her out of your chain of command but I doubt that'll squash everything."
She laughed at his teasing, though she suspected he would have been shocked at the difference between a newly minted Midshipman Crawford and the person sitting before him. She knew Dayune often commented on the difference when they would talk about the old days and she honestly forgot what it was like to be that girl.
"And you absolutely don’t have to answer this if you don’t wanna. But the thing that happened between you and that First Officer… what happened? Is there something I should know that would help me? Someway I can protect Ju from something similar? Or is it just straight up ‘don’t do it’?”
She didn't miss his last admission but she also didn't react to it, instead choosing to pour herself some more. After pouring herself some more, the redhead leaned back on the couch, her leg crossing over the other as her drink balanced on her knee. Her expression had softened to something almost wistful.
"Rex..." she chuckled slightly. "He's not a ghost I talk about often."
No, she couldn't say Rexar Idrani occupied her thoughts very often these days but she also couldn't deny his important part in the pavers of her life. He had quite literally paved the way for a lot of what she had in her personal life, whether he knew it or not.
"Rex was --is-- a good man. He wasn't looking for another notch on his bedpost; he wanted someone to see him as more than just a uniform and someone to solve their problems. And I wanted to be loved and was naive enough to think none of it really mattered."
"As soon as it becomes public knowledge though, it colors everything involving you two. The superior officer will never be viewed as impartial or evenhanded when it comes to the junior and the junior will always be viewed as being given everything they get, even when they've earned it fair and square. I became Chief of Security while with Rex and it probably took a year before people outside the department believed I'd actually earned it and wasn't just given it."
It was very likely that was something that had clawed at a much younger Tyra Crawford but now, it was met with a little shrug and a wry smile.
"There was no explosive end to us; circumstances pulled us apart but we were likely destined for that. I didn't know it then but I was standing on the precipice of war, a war that would fundamentally change me in every way. I don't even think a reflection of that girl still exists. I don't think he could have watched that and I think I would have resented him trying to protect me," she said, her expression still soft but now tinged with traces of sadness. Whether for herself or what might have been was anyone's guess.
She took a sip of her bourbon, considering the amber liquid as if it was part of the story. She supposed it would have been if things had lasted longer; her drinking hadn't started until she'd gotten thrown in well over her head.
"But even then, I just can't tell you not to do it. Rex wasn't it for me but he paved the way for Thomas. I had known my husband for a month when he became my commanding officer and we were at the same stage it seems y'all are at. If I hadn't known what I was getting into, I don't think I would have taken the plunge and I would have missed out on everything with him," she explained, her smile becoming warmer as she spoke.
She took another sip of bourbon, savoring the burn in hopes it might push back that tug of longing she felt. There wasn't much she wouldn't have traded at that moment for Thomas. He had this way of just knowing how to put her back together after a crisis, knowing what pieces fit where and what she needed to feel human again.
"Even knowing what I was getting into, it wasn't without challenges. I made FO and CO with him in my chain of command so there was a belief he gave them to me. I toed the line hard on some things, knowing he wouldn't truly come down on me. In turn, he tried to send me places I couldn't cause trouble and then, when that didn't work, he sent me on the worst mission in an attempt to counter the favoritism accusations," she explained further before shrugging.
That was all water under the bridge now with Thomas retired but for years, most of their marriage, they had been in the same chain of command. Sometimes, he'd been her direct superior and sometimes, they'd had a buffer but they'd made it work with enough tough skin and communication.
She looked up at him, watching him for a moment before continuing. "I'd be a hypocrite to say don't do it but don't go into it blind. Know what it'll do to your reputation and hers. Know that if this is just a fun little fling, it might not be worth the damage done but if it isn't a fling, well maybe it is worth it."
"The biggest piece of advice I can give is that you can't protect her from this. You can try but you'll just make it worse. She'll either grow thick skin and learn to let the comments roll off or she won't. And you'll either learn to live with the perception or you won't. We can try to mitigate it by taking her out of your chain of command but I doubt that'll squash everything."