AT/D12 - Science Complex

[Tyra Crawford]

== The Science Complex occupies a larger area than your average Science Lab. Taking up most of Deck 12. Specialist labs like Stellar Cartography are located on the same deck.

The Primary Science Lab is connected to the Chief Science Officer’s office. The lab contains two large scale replicators for parts, five consoles either side of the room for simulations and other research, two holo-tables, and six worktables with under table storage for science toolkits and other equipment.

Secondary and tertiary labs are smaller and each contain two regular replicators.Plenty of study alcoves are dotted throughout the complex, along with closed office cubes for focused work, and open-concept lounge-style idea exchange areas to facilitate scientific discovery and discussion. ==

[Aeryn Miller]

== Enroute to Earth ==

== CSO Office - Science Complex ==

With Artemis heading back to Earth and all mission-related reports and logs complete, there was still work to be done, and Aeryn had been in her office since her shift started. There was something tranquil about the space she had made her own, although she would easily admit it wasn't all kittens and rainbows being Chief, and if anything, she had learned a lot about herself and running her department. Going forward, she would take all of that into consideration to ensure that it continued to run smoothly and make changes where necessary. So while she had been going over the last lot of results from recent experiments, Aeryn also wanted to go through the personnel files, conduct reviews before the allure of shoreleave took over.

Her reasoning for doing so was to be preemptive, root out any issues now rather than later, and if needed, put plans in place with goals to work towards to resolve those issues quickly and efficiently. The CSO was mindful of being approachable, offering reassurance when appropriate, because at the end of it, she wanted those under her command to do well, succeed and flourish rather than hold them back. The same went for any disciplinary measures, as Aeryn wasn't a pushover, and sometimes her bite was worse than her bark. No one wanted to be made a fool of or waste time on someone who wasn't willing to put the work in; with that kind of attitude, they had no place in her department.

Aeryn believed herself to be a firm but fair kind of boss, and as her list became shorter, with each passing day, there was one particular Lieutenant she wanted to talk to, given what had happened the last time she was called into this office. Aeryn had hoped Lucy had remembered the terms of that particular meeting, the last warning she had given, because it was serious, and it hadn't been said out of pure spite despite the anger she had felt following the disaster of a briefing.

Moving over to the small sofa in the corner, with a coffee mug in one hand and a PADD in the other, Aeryn waited for Lucy to arrive.

== Tag Lucy ==

[Lucy Devereaux]

== Enroute to Earth ==

== CSO Office - Science Complex ==

With the mission over it was time for the review. Lucy had stuck her foot well in it at the briefing which had been disastrous even before her uncalled for input. She had a role to play, though she knew now that she had no gifts when it came to reducing tension. There was a new ship’s counsellor, but they hadn’t met. She had tried to keep out of trouble, but had barely done anything.

Aeryn was a reasonable authority figure. There certainly wasn’t a shortage in that regard. She had done a better job of running the department than Lucy and she was glad of that. Unfortunately Lucy had made herself Aeryn’s problem instead of being a valuable colleague. People were rarely angry with Lucy, mostly disappointed. She felt frustrated when she made the wrong decision. Trying too hard to fit in and only bringing shame.

These kind of meetings made her feel uneasy. She knew she was difficulty, and she wanted to be better. Better to receive Aeryn’s judgement, that wait too long and make it worse. Aeryn was in the Chief Science Officer’s office with a stack of padds and a mug of coffee, though she was sitting at the small sofa and table area, and not the desk.

Slightly relaxed, but still important.

“Lieutenant Commander?”

== tag. ==

[Aeryn Miller]

In her preparation for these evaluations and reviews, Aeryn had pored over each recipient's file in detail, while also ensuring that she took the appropriate breaks and finished at a reasonable time. She knew from experience what it was like to burn the phaser at both ends, and while it had proved to be an excellent distraction for ignoring her emotions concerning both the mission and breakup with Beka, Aeryn wasn't about to become some recluse, drowning herself in work or organising what she had planned for shore leave. The invites for the latter had already been distributed amongst the crew, giving them plenty of time to decide if they would attend or not.

Presently, however, Aeryn brought up Lucy's file, detailing what she already read, the highs, the lows, in the hope that she would be adding to it following the conclusion of this meeting. That wasn't to say that Lucy couldn't be a better officer, as presently she was more like a problem child, but all the CSO could do was continue being fair and firm, in the hope that Lucy could turn her reputation around and prove to herself and everyone that she still belonged on Artemis.

Taking a sip of her coffee, Aeryn sat back just as Lucy arrived, right on time, which was a positive start, so Aeryn didn't have to go chasing her down or send Security to fetch her.

" Ah, right on time, Lieutenant, please take a seat and feel free to get yourself a beverage from the replicator".

== Tag Lucy ==

[Lucy Devereaux]

== Enroute to Earth ==

== CSO Office - Science Complex ==

Lucy gave her options due consideration. She didn’t feel that she needed coffee, yet, and she wasn’t quite certain about a glass of water as that would make it feel too formal. She decided on a simple hot chocolate as it would dial down her nerves a touch and give her a focal point.

She sat carefully across from Aeryn placing the warm mug on the table. She couldn’t remember if she’d had a meeting like this on the Apollo. There had been counselling after Dvorak, but she couldn’t tell if she’d gone through the motions without actually doing anything constructive.

She looked at her department head, but couldn’t think of what she was meant to say. Protocols and procedures were strange things. They were meant to maintain order or functionality. Captain Givens was meant to be auditing or assessing the crew after the mission to find the Gryphon, or something to that effect, but this was different.

What do you do with a problem like Lucy?

Definitely not a convent in the Austrian Alps or there abouts. Lucy was quite a different box of cats.

== tag. ==

[Aeryn Miller]

Lucy soon decided on what drink she wanted, and as the other woman sat down across from her, and placed the mug of hot chocolate on the table, Aeryn took it as her cue to start the briefing. Not that the DH expected any small talk, not with the purpose of this meeting, though she did hope Lucy would be able to relax a bit; then again, it still felt as though Aeryn hardly knew her, even though they spent time outside normal duty hours in the lounge. That night seemed like a distant memory after what they had endured, but this is why it was so important for Aeryn to do this now, rather than wait.

" I know the situation was different the last time we were in this office together; however, that's not why I invited you here today", Aeryn began softly, wanting to set the tone and let Lucy know that she wasn't in any trouble.

Putting the PADD to one side, and gave Lucy her full attention.

" What I want to hear from you is how you felt the last mission went, specifically your role in it, and you can be completely honest as to how you think you performed your duties".

In Aeryn's opinion, this is what needed to be said, because it was all well and good to add her thoughts to the reports and Lucy's file, but then how could she grow and learn if it was all one-sided?

== Tag Lucy ==

[Lucy Devereaux]

== Enroute to Earth ==

== CSO Office - Science Complex ==

Lucy felt the question about how she'd performed her duty in her bones. She hadn't been even close to adequate. She’d had moments of just about competence, but she’d mostly been eating herself about her idiocy when she should have been focused on doing what she could do. Questioning whether she was being productive. She was part of a crew and she had a job to do.

“I was far too much up in my own head because I spoke before thinking. I’m surprised I had occasional bouts of competence, even though I barely did what I am trained to do.

“I froze when we were facing the Klingons on the planetoid. Couldn’t remember if it was heavy stun or kill. I was scared of triggering something in the cloning center, instead of looking to find anything that could have shed some light on what might have survived or been hidden from the Klingons.

“I know we operate on an expect-the-unexpected ethos. Starfleet goes out with an intention. Sometimes it is the security of the galaxy, sometimes exploration, but how do you process the things you see? The crew ended the qoH’s operation. That feels good.

“A weight is lighter when everyone lifts together, I guess.”

Lucy got lost trying to know how to express herself coherently. Too many thoughts. She was learning, but she kept learning the hard way. Her mistakes hurt people or put them in danger. It seemed easier to stare into the abyss and give up. She reached out and took a sip from the hot chocolate. It was good. She stared at the mug before putting it back on the table. She felt that she was her own worst enemy.

== tag ==

[Aeryn Miller]

The question seemed to hang in the air for a moment or two before Lucy began to speak, her words spilling out as if they had been stored in her mind for too long. Aeryn understood and had felt what it was like to get something out that needed to be said, even if it hurt, or showed your weaknesses. There were no excuses, no pleas for leniency, no empty promises, only the truth, a truth that the other science officer hadn't shown before. Perhaps it had been there all along, but she had let her actions take over without thinking properly. They also seemed genuine, as though a light had finally switched on, and the realisation became more apparent than before.

Aeryn chose to listen, to let Lucy talk without interruption, evaluating her automatically as to how they could make that change, make her the officer she needed her to be. What was the point of remaining on the ship, doing the bare minimum, and not being able to rely on her to do what was asked? Aeryn needed a strong team to be able to give instructions and not have to do twice the work. Lucy's admission told Aeryn that there had been too much self-doubt, and sure, she knew what it was like to freeze, to be scared; there was a time and place for it, and not in the middle of a shift or when faced with Klingons with a mission to complete.

The CSO thought about Lucy's performance, her evaluation of how she thought she did, and maybe it was too soon to send her on another mission, given her previous failings, but at the time, it was Aeryn's only choice to give her that chance, to see how she did, and this was now the proof of that. At the mention of the cooperative effort to end the clone operation and the Klingons responsible, Lucy wasn't wrong, and the crew worked together quite efficiently when faced with whatever they came across; however, that could only remain that way if everyone did their part.

Once Lucy finished, Aeryn considered everything, then spoke with her usual soft cadence. " I appreciate your honesty, Lucy, and I agree you weren't working to the best of your ability. The thing is, I need someone who doesn't let themselves get too far into their own head, to recognise that there is a time and place for that, and not when in the middle of a shift or during a mission. Maybe I should have left you on the ship, but the thing is, I thought I could rely on you to do what was asked and what was needed, but I guess I was wrong. Although that's not to say there isn't room for improvement, to learn how to deal with your emotions away from the job, because going forward, I need you to be on top of your game, to be able to carry out your tasks and do them well, without me constantly having to hover over you, to be your constant guide, when I have other duties to perform, and other officers to take care of".

" Do you think what I've asked is fair and reasonable?"

Aeryn couldn't keep having to stop everything to deal with her department's problem child, or having to constantly worry about what she was going to do, because if she kept behaving the way she was, she could very well end up getting herself or someone else killed, and really, Aeryn didn't want to do that paperwork.

== Tag Lucy ==

[Lucy Devereaux]

== Enroute to Earth ==

== CSO Office - Science Complex ==

Lucy broke. What was the point in continuing? Her emotions chewed through her like rice paper. Wasn’t it better to give up? Just resign, go back to Earth and be a third rate mediocrity. She was never going to be a good Science Officer. What made her think she ever had what was needed to be in Starfleet. She was beyond incompetent, a waste of space, and unstable in a crisis. The easiest thing would be to hand in her resignation and leave.

Then she hit a realisation. She wasn’t being fair to Aeryn who had put up with her, who was trying to make Lucy break her selfish attitude. Aeryn was being fair and reasonable. Lucy wasn’t meant to be ruled by her emotions or her lack of faith in herself. She had depths and a unique approach that made the right things happen, when she wasn’t running on her emotions. She needed to do the job in front of her.

“Yes.” she responded.

Lucy had a kind of empathy, but she had and had caused scars. There were all these healthy aspects about herself. She had grown up in a loving family and yet there was something wrong with her. She couldn’t quantify what it was, but it wasn’t meant to define her. The work mattered on a level she needed to grasp. Even a feather on the scales moved things. She was no force majeure, but she wasn’t meant to be.

She couldn’t keep hiding. She needed to do without being the engine of chaos she wasn’t meant to be.

== tag. ==

[Aeryn Miller]

If Aeryn was being honest, she didn't know how Lucy would answer that particularly loaded question, knowing that her response could mean the difference between the junior science officer continuing in the department or not. Would she see the issue for what it was? How her DH had laid everything out clearly, and what had to be done to try and find that fight, that determination? Otherwise, why had she wanted to be posted to a ship? Or was it simply that no one had picked up on this until now, and Lucy had kept it hidden?

Aeryn could keep speculating and speculating, running up different explanations, and internal questions, which quite frankly couldn't be answered, not unless she dug deeper; she wasn't a Counsellor. When Lucy finally spoke, the CSO should have been happy enough with a yes, but Aeryn felt as though Lucy could have said more, especially with her career teetering on a fine line.

" Good, I'm glad we've reached an understanding on what I expect going forward", Aeryn began. " But at the same time, is there anything you want to say on the matter? How do you want to improve? What goals do you want to set yourself, so we don't end up as we did before the mission?"

Hopefully, Aeryn could get more out of Lucy, for her to take ownership of herself and have that drive to achieve it all.


== Tag Lucy ==

[Lucy Devereaux]

== Enroute to Earth ==

== CSO Office - Science Complex ==

Lucy was in far too many minds mentally. She considered putting the mug of hot chocolate back in the replicator and leaving. She was scared to open her mouth and say anything to Aeryn. She knew she didn’t fit the criteria for normal, at least if there was an honest inspection. She hadn’t considered her mental health as something that was worth anyone’s time.

She hadn’t really taken responsibility for herself as an adult. She was either too loud or not exactly there. This was maybe a first step towards actually growing up, but she was still afraid of Aeryn rejecting her as a colleague. Lucy had difficulty with her words. An expansive vocabulary was just as much of a curse, if not more so than a limited one. She tried to form the words that seemed to sum up her muddled view forward.

“I don’t know about goals. I don’t know if in comporting myself I end up seeming cold. I’m not likely to be any more weird than I already appear to everyone else. I can hold back when it comes to empathy or humor, but I need to act when my actions are commanded or needed, even if I don’t think I’m being part of the solution. I also need to ask questions when something does not seem clear, even if it might seem strange.

“That is all I can think of.”

Lucy was a qualified officer with a decent set of skills. She had lost any sense of ambition. She wanted to be out in space as part of Starfleet. Their goal of exploration was the main attraction to Starfleet for her. That meant she also had to hold in her heart and head the defensive purpose of Starfleet. She didn’t know if she was a soldier, but she wanted to be a competent Science Officer.

Lucy lifted up the mug which had started to chill as she lost herself in her thoughts. Everything came with consequences. She needed to accept them. Stellar physics or the atomic structure of a crystal were her comfort food. She needed to be active and yet comfortable with being uncomfortable.

== tag ==

[Aeryn Miller]

Aeryn knew that what she was asking might not get the answers she wanted to hear, but at the same time, the Science Chief wasn't about to sign Lucy's transfer papers. While this could count as the junior officer's third or fourth chance, given her track record ever since Aeryn had known her, she was at least willing to help Lucy come to grips with what it was like to be a proper officer, to not mess up on purpose because mistakes happened to anyone, regardless of their level of competency. All it took was the willingness to see where she had gone wrong and how she was going to rectify that without bringing further shame to herself and the department.

Although for a moment Aeryn wondered what was going through the other redhead's head right now, remembering what it was like to be in Lucy's shoes, even if she hadn't created such chaos or warranted a chat like this. Not wanting to rush Lucy until she was ready to speak, Aeryn concentrated on her coffee, finding some solace in the warmth of the cup against her skin, because being a DH wasn't easy. Being weird wasn't necessarily a bad thing; there was a time and place for it, not to interfere, and hopefully, Lucy could turn that into a positive because while she wasn't stating specific goals, they were present in her response.

" It's all about finding the right balance, with your emotions and your work ethic, Lucy, and I'd say that you needing to act when your actions are commanded or needed, or ask questions, whether they sound strange or not, are goals to work towards, for you to achieve and for you to be a competent member of this department, because I don't need to tell you what will happen if we end up back here again after the next mission".

If it came to it, then Aeryn would have no choice but to involve the FO and Captain Crawford, something she didn't want to do unless it was warranted and hopefully this meeting would be enough for Lucy to realise and prevent that from ever happening.


== Tag Lucy ==

[Lucy Devereaux]

Lucy felt the need to grow up. There were things she was capable of, things she could and should do. She wanted to be a part of the Artemis. That came with responsibilities. Lucy’s emotions scared her. That cauldron of negativity that occasionally bubbled up in her. She needed to listen better to the positive reinforcement that Aeryn was giving her.

Lucy was haunted by her past mistakes and the loss of the woman who had saved her life. Sure it seemed easier and less emotionally expensive to hide from everyone and everything, but there was a spectrum of colours and a wealth of experiences to be found if you stepped out from your supposed comfort zone. Nihilism and pessimism weren’t the right way to go about life.

“I want to be better than what I’ve been. I need to put in the work. I can do this.”

Lucy considered her mug, then drained it. It wasn’t terrible, but it would have been better earlier.

“A good toolbox isn’t all the same tool, but so many jobs can be done with a good variety of tools, if that is the right metaphor.”

She needed to put that raccoon with the crowbar in its place. Lucy wasn’t a pacifist, but she knew she needed to stop hiding when she could do more by helping. It was about knowing. Things like when a hug was a good response and when it was better to assess the reality of a situation.

The crew had been through the wringer and wallowing in her own self pity wasn’t the right response. She didn’t think that she was a good team member, but being there for someone else was the start. Even if it was just being present. If she could make her aptitude for chaos a force for good she could do better. She also hoped she could nullify it, as it wasn’t always helpful.

== tag ==

[Aeryn Miller]

Aeryn hadn't taken on the duties and responsibilities that came with being a DH on a whim, even when she had been doing it in an Acting capacity. No, the redhead had given it some serious thought, aware of her abilities, her strengths and weaknesses before saying yes, and while that had sometimes left her questioning whether she was doing the right thing, she had chosen to learn from it instead. No one was perfect, no one could do this job completely devoid of understanding others, of knowing when to pull rank or not, and of the negative aspects of being part of the chain of command.

If she were to compare what she was like in Security with Science, she couldn't remember having to deal with too many issues, realising that this thing with Lucy had been a first. However, that didn't mean she couldn't handle it, to show some tough love which was needed, along with a positive reinforcement, but only if Lucy caught onto that fact. Thankfully, the conversation was moving in the right direction, despite her having to lay out the consequences, because if Aeryn hadn't done that, then she doubted she'd be getting the kind of responses that she was currently getting.

She couldn't, and nor did she want to pretend that this was a meeting between friends, that she wasn't being serious because she was, and if she had to get harsh, then so be it.

" That's what I wanted to hear, Lucy. I just need you to believe it, because if you don't, then how am I supposed to trust you?"

It was all well and good for Lucy to say it, but Aeryn needed her to understand the implications if she didn't. The metaphor she then tried to put across wasn't far off the mark with what Aeryn required for Lucy to be a competent and trustworthy member of her team.

" Something like that, but do you understand the implications and consequences if we end up in this situation again?".


== Tag Lucy ==

[Lucy Devereaux]

== Enroute to Earth ==

== CSO Office - Science Complex ==

Lucy didn’t want to find herself in this situation again. That meant changing for the better or some version that was in the ballpark. She served a purpose. She wanted to be a functioning part of the crew. She loved the crew, but wished she could consistently feel the same about herself.

“I don’t want to end up in this situation again. I feel the implications and consequences viscerally. I want to be a better crew member.”

Lucy thought about her motivation. What drove her to be a Science Officer.

“Aeryn, were you a stargazer? I was, still am. Sometimes I’d walk for hours with my parents late at night. We’d reach a point where we could look up at the night sky. No equipment or telescope. Look for the constellations. There’s so much out there. Learning and discovering.

“Last mission taught me we’re out here, not just exploring, but working to protect what is out here. Worlds, civilizations, cultures, and races. I saw the consequences of being out here. Still trying to figure out what to do with that, but I know it.”

Planetary science was in her bones, but there was that living aspect. Some were hostile and that also meant consequences. She wanted to let go of these mood shifts. Not letting them define her life and career. Her mental health was causing her concern. Her manic moments were brief, if only she could keep a lid on it. The depression clung to her like damp jeans, when it got it hooks in.

She needed to work on not letting her fears drive her into procrastination. She needed to believe in her abilities and she knew she had abilities. It was hard to trust herself, but she needed to.

== tag. ==

[Aeryn Miller]

If Lucy didn't want to end up in this situation again, she would need to put the work in; the fact that her troublesome officer felt the implications and consequences Aeryn had mentioned was definitely a start. As hard as it was to carry them with you, it was also a test to see if you could move on from it, to learn and improve. A test that Lucy desperately needed to pass if she was going to fulfil the promise of being a better officer. " I sincerely hope that you don't, Lucy, and if you want to be a better member of this crew, then you need to prove it to yourself and not just me".

Lucy then asked a question, one that at first didn't seem relevant to the conversation until the other woman gave the CSO more information, and Aeryn realised that this must have been one of the reasons why Lucy chose the Sciences. Romanticism and looking back to those defining moments were all well and good, but if it allowed Lucy a moment to ground herself, to be fully aware of why Aeryn needed to push her, then she didn't mind answering her.

" I was, but my main focus was on Botany, absorbing everything that my parents taught me, and experimenting as much as I could".

Hard to believe that she didn't remain on that particular path until her life took an unexpected turn, but like all good things, Aeryn had found a way back to it, something she intended not to take for granted, but rather make the most of every opportunity.

When Lucy continued, it was as if the realisation had suddenly become apparent, although the last mission was perhaps more emotionally demanding than those they had endured before. Another wakeup call, if anything, especially when it came to your own mortality. " Last mission wasn't easy on any of us, but if it taught you that lesson, then processing everything will be easier. However, you need to remember that no matter what the mission is, those same principles are equally important, because we are out here to do more than explore space, regardless of what we encounter, and I don't need to remind you that this wasn't your first mission".

Lucy wasn't a fresh out of the Academy Middie, and yet Aeryn didn't want to delve quite into how she had managed to achieve the rank of Lieutenant if she hadn't upheld the goals of Star Fleet or understood them till now.


== Tag Lucy ==

[Lucy Devereaux]

== Enroute to Earth ==

== CSO Office - Science Complex ==

It wasn’t so much what they encountered, but who was doing the sending. Lucy had been letting her doubts fester. Aeryn had been her first CSO. Lucy had been paired with her on Utopia Planitia. Lucy felt she’d put up a good pretence after Dvorak, but she’d let her composure slip with the saboteur. Seeing a crying woman had caused her to put everything in jeopardy including her own life. A desperate person was not someone you comforted.

The Brittany had unfortunately turned out to be a trap. Then there was the ship they’d had to steal back from the Cardassians. Starfleet had arrested Benjamin Elias after they’d got back and Damian Coleman before they’d left on the most recent mission. Lucy wasn’t the picture of mental health, yet Aeryn was trying to salvage her, if it was even possible.

“How do you get over losing someone? I’d go from one mission to another just doing the work being there. Slowly losing confidence in Starfleet and myself. I met Zherru and thought I’d found my anchor. Then she died saving me.

“I don’t think I’d feel the way I do at the moment if I hadn’t seen those clones. We’re sent to so many places for so many reasons. Knowing that being there serves a purpose.

“It’s easy to pass for normal when you do the job in front of you and don’t stand out much. I like small social situations, but don’t know how to react to discord. There are times when I feel like there’s something wrong with me, but I don’t know what it is.”

Lucy got up and put the mug back in the replicator. She watched the computer dereplicate the mug. Lucy liked botany from an observation standpoint. What was the point in burdening Aeryn with her doubts and inadequacies? Lucy knew she had failed Zherru and felt no stability in herself.

What was she looking for? She wanted to be out among the stars. To find that all that she had experienced had some purpose. Life was suffocating. Lucy wanted the oblivion of sleep, but the longer she ignored her feelings the worse they’d get. She wanted to be able to coexist with her emotions, not let herself trample herself with every little emotional scar.

She hesitated before sitting down again. She needed to leave, to stop wasting Aeryn’s time. She wanted to stop feeling like this, to stop feeling that she should never have enrolled in Starfleet. She had been in Starfleet for too long and still felt like she’d done nothing. She was not useless. She had skills, sort of.

There were too many words in her head and nothing sounded right. Even when she spoke she couldn’t make herself coherent. There was nothing truly taxing in being a Science Officer. Her difficulty was in being Lucy Devereaux at the same time,

== tag. ==

[Aeryn Miller]

Peeling back the layers was never an easy task. The longer she sat there, the more Aeryn was getting to see the real Lucy, something the other redhead had clearly been hiding behind ever since Utopia Planitia. How could she forget the mistake she made there? A tale that still got brought up now and then, added to her list of blunders, and the very thing her DH was trying to avoid in future. But then there was that vulnerability as Lucy started talking, specifically her past and possibly the reason for everything.

Getting over someone you lost was something Aeryn understood, having gone through it herself when Merle had died; the difference was that she had learned to move on, not to let it cloud her judgment or affect her work. She also hadn't started to lose her confidence or her faith in the Fleet, but people weren't the same, and grief was still an unknown entity, something people handled in their own way.

" You never truly get over them, you just learn to accept that they're no longer around, and keep living to do them proud. You also never forget them, I know I don't with my late Fiancé. The only time I had an issue with losing confidence and my love for the Fleet was back in the Academy, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am today".

What Lucy needed was the cold, hard truth, to hear that not all was lost, and as the other woman continued, Aeryn wasn't sure what else she could say to make her feel better.

" That's exactly it, we have a purpose for doing what we do, and yes, it affects us in different ways, but that's when you have to learn to separate work from everyday life. I don't think there's anything wrong with you at all, Lucy, other than you need to have some faith in yourself and stop standing out for the wrong reasons. If you don't know how to react to a situation, then you don't; you keep quiet or stick with someone who can deal with it, because you know what happens if you mess up, and we don't want that".

Giving Lucy some food for thought as she took away her cup, Aeryn focused on her coffee, although it wasn't difficult to see the hesitation in Lucy's eyes before she sat down again.

" I don't want you leaving here until we've got everything resolved properly".

== Tag Lucy ==

[Lucy Devereaux]

Lucy quietly absorbed Aeryn’s words. To do Zherru proud she needed to be her better self. Lucy wasn’t lost on Aeryn’s loss and how she’d processed something so deep. She found herself grasping it all, then finding it slipping. She smiled softly when Aeryn said she didn’t think there was anything wrong with her. She was herself with all the bits.

Lucy did need to work on her process. She felt raw when her thoughts returned to Zherru. To never forget, but keep living, be there for the next person who needed you. Of course there was the caveat of picking her time. Not to freeze, but to think, better. She had it in her to be good. She needed to hold onto that.

“Thank you.”

Lucy had a thought about how the Vulcans were really good at cool logic and emotional control, but she couldn’t see herself coping with Pon Farr and the every seven years thing, but that was part of the observation. Vulcans had other times when they could. She’d have to work on herself the Terran way, but better. Not, I think I can, but I know I can.

“I know that I can be myself for the right reasons. I know that I will. I do have a very specific set of skills, but I need to keep them well maintained and ready.”

The balance between action and inaction. To do, especially because it mattered. Not exactly a pilot, though doing the practice would be a useful skill to have. She had transporter experience and that mixture of Security training and all her Science training. A steady flame, not brilliant, but a bit steadier. She had a lot to live down and a lot to live up to. She might even fall in love again.

== tag. ==

[Aeryn Miller]

Despite the reasoning behind Aeryn wanting to talk to Lucy, she was still a warm person at heart, so when Lucy thanked her Aeryn smiled warmly, while silently hoping this hadn't all been in vain. Even with Lucy beginning to get a grasp on everything, didn't mean it would end well, but she didn't need to keep repeating herself about what would happen if the same issues continued to crop up, and make Lucy completely untrustworthy when it came to her role on the ship. So if sharing her past and her experiences helped then the Science Chief didn't mind opening up, because she had learned that it was okay to do so, and also when it was relevant and appropriate.

She wondered what would have happened if she hadn't been strong, hadn't been a little stubborn, and quickly realised it wasn't worth overthinking it, as paths diverged when they were supposed to, and you had to endure tough times to get where you needed to be. That didn't stop Aeryn from wanting to continue bettering herself, and yet it seemed as though Lucy hadn't gotten as far as she had. She hoped that would come, as Lucy continued and spoke again.

Her response needed that belief behind it, that conviction that she wasn't just saying what was right to convince Aeryn and not sound completely hopeless and lost.

" You do, and it's more about not knowing that you will, but that you can, I can be better, I can be myself, I can behave appropriately, I can be relied upon otherwise we'll end back here again, and you won't have learned anything".

Having belief in yourself was an important tool for any person, to be capable and functional without letting emotions take over at the wrong moments as that could prove to be disastrous.


== Tag Lucy ==

[Lucy Devereaux]

== Enroute to Earth ==

== CSO Office - Science Complex ==

Aeryn was right, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. That was what growth meant. It was what you did with the pain. Recently it drove Lucy into inaction and that wasn’t healthy. If she wanted to be she needed to do. She didn’t feel right repeating Aeryn’s words, but they were accurate and succinct. They encapsulated where she’d gone wrong. She could be everything she hoped to be, within what she could control. 

“Yes, I can be better, I can be myself, I can behave appropriately, and I can be relied upon.”

The trouble Lucy had caused had come from both being herself and not being herself. She needed to behave appropriately, be reliable, and better. She needed to believe in herself. She was capable, even if she didn’t feel her words would ever be enough. 

“I don’t think I can prove my sincerity by my words alone, but I want to prove it by my actions, behaviour, and silence where and when appropriate.”

She thought about Seven of Nine. Coming from the Collective and becoming her own person. The irony was not lost on Lucy. Her social skills weren’t so different. She need to prove herself to herself and be part of the crew. She was glad she had a department head like Aeryn. She was relentless and didn’t give up. Lucy’s biggest battle was with herself, maybe that had always been the case.

== tag. ==

[Aeryn Miller]

Aeryn didn't know what else she could say in order to make Lucy realise the magnitude of the issues she had caused or for her to prove that she was worth keeping her place on Artemis. There were only so many ways to get the point across and the DH didn't want them to end up going round in circles. Having this meeting in Aeryn’s opinion had been the right call to make, and Lucy being able to open up more than before was a bonus. Sure she could think why now ? However there was no need to go down that particular path as sometimes it was the easier option to take, and this was all about going forward rather than looking back.

Lucy repeated Aeryn’s mantra almost perfectly, but Aeryn thought it still lacked conviction and confidence, traits that Lucy needed to work on. In fact there would be lots of work involved in getting her up to par as it were if she intended to succeed.

The foundation had been laid as Lucy then realised it would take more than words to prove her worth.

“ Exactly, we've got a long road ahead of us and this is just the beginning” Aeryn replied as she got up from the sofa. “ I think that's enough for today, I'll schedule another meeting to discuss your progress after the next mission, but I will be monitoring you closely throughout”.

== I think that's a good place for us to stop, so we can get ready for the new mission ==